It’s January. Happy 2018. Happy year of the yang earth-elemental dog. Did you know the Chinese zodiac is really complex? My birth year is a yin wood-elemental ox, month is a horse, day is monkey, and hour animal is a tiger. So, I’m an abomination.

A simple Google search on that can show you more though haha.

So, here we are. January. The month of resolutions and newness. Or if you are me, the month of crippling depression and anxiety.

January was the last month, albeit 2008, I was plagued by what we’ll vaguely refer to as “my spirits”. If you do not believe in ghosts, good for you. I do. But that is mostly because I’ve been dealing with them since childhood. The 2008 attack on New Year’s Eve/morning was so bad I had ligature marks around my neck and went to a shamaness. I did not sleep for a couple weeks before that. But hey, we good now, more or less. I got them to chill and for the most part the only bother me when something really bad is about to happen.

January middle, also 2008, was the last time I was in very real danger of trying to hurt myself. And of all the stupid things, over a boy. Ugh, 22-year-old self…no. Kids, never hurt yourself over a broken heart. It may take a long time, a really long time, but it’ll be OK. It was however, not the last time I self harmed, which I regret. I have since learned to really love myself.

The end of January is out to dull me down too. Man, I cannot catch a break. It’s my birth mother’s birthday and every year I don’t call, write, or otherwise try to contact her my brain tells me I am a horrible person. Ignoring the part where she never does those things for my birthday either, and has since taken to internet stalking me… Family. Whoo.

So January is not my favorite. Sorry January-birthdays or people who love New Year’s. I really just want to get through January as quickly and quietly as possible.


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